Aug 12 2014

A Review of Encounter: Incubus Nights by Sam Cheever

Encounter: Incubus Nights by Sam Cheever

Encounter: Incubus Nights by Sam Cheever

Fantasy is a part of life. It opens our eyes to what could be, if we were brave enough to take the risk. It tells us what we can be, should we decide that who we believe we are is not the real that we can be.

To understand that, to see our own worth, to know, truly, that there is better for us if we desire it sometimes is impossible. But then, with the right being, anything is possible…

The story is of:

Ally opens a door at a party and walks right into her hottest fantasy.

Ally owns a bookstore called Incubus Nights where she sells romance books and other books that kindle dreams and desires in others. The problem is that Ally’s own wishes have never come true. She finds herself at a party and something goes terribly wrong making her run away in shame and hide. The thing is, the door she opens is to her own wishes and in those wishes awaits an Incubus who reveals the truth to Ally that she could never admit to herself…

Normally I would call a story like this a hot flash. While there is lovely heat in the work there is an undercurrent of something more as well. While Ally is pleasured and made to accept that pleasure, it also reveals her own wants, needs and desires fully in ways that simply stating them would not do her character justice. The need in Ally, the wishes that drive her soul forward, these are the things of fantasy that the Incubus plays with a deft touch.

He is not truly a stereotypical Incubus, he is Ally’s ideal and in that her own release is assured. Passions that she has wished for, thought about, dreamt about come to her in this moment where the world of wishes and the world of reality have touched, if only for a brief instant of time. But it only takes an instant for one to change one’s life.

In the end, the story comes to a lovely passionate climax, but it is the last few lines that for me, truly, are the part of the story that stays with me most of all. While the main part of the story is Ally submitting to her fantasies, there is more than that. There is a chance, a offering, a consideration that she alter her own thinking and way to find something she has wanted. A chance for real love, real passion, and being offered that does change Ally.

It is that change that both warms me, but also saddens me slightly. The story ends and the question of Ally’s future is not told. I would have liked to see some of it, but I can imagine Ally being better, more alive, and more willing to see herself for who she is… and that is, really, what fantasies can open the door to…

Four out of five pitchforks.

It’s nice when fantasy can direct reality towards something better. This story does that in a way that was wonderful and that’s something I will remember…



Aug 11 2014

Storm Clouds 205 by TeraS

Continuing Chapter 35 this week on the Tale … another thread needing some poking and a little bit more …

For those that would like to read Storm Clouds from the beginning, you can click this link, and it will take you to the page where all of the previous chapters can be found.


Storm Clouds 205
Chapter 35
By TeraS


Bill was in his office watching the clock as the red numbers ticked away the time until the day’s work was done. He hadn’t seen his son, Billy, for most of the day, and it wasn’t like Billy not to check in. Bill knew full well that Billy did more and worked longer than anyone else in his business; he had his finger on the pulse of the company and kept things running smoothly, even if he didn’t see just how vital he was.

Still, when Billy asked for permission to take the afternoon off, Bill didn’t hesitate, didn’t question it. If Billy wanted to do something, and it was important enough for him to take time off his duties, Bill wasn’t going to refuse him.

As the clock reached quitting time and he heard the office staff gathering up their things to leave, he started to worry. Billy hadn’t called; normally, he would. It wasn’t like him not to keep in touch. There was something going on, and Bill feared the worst.

He called out: “Tenshi! Come in here, will ya’?”

There was the sound of a filing cabinet closing, and then, in the doorway, there appeared a short, blond, Asian woman. She clutched a small stack of folders to her side and asked in a submissive tone: “Yes, Sir?”

“Where’z Billy?”

“I do not know where your son William is. There have been no phone calls or messages from him, sir.”

Bill strummed his fingers over the top of his desk before pushing his chair back and snatching a briefcase that waited close by: “Not like him. Shoulda’ called or somethin’. Make sure ya’ leave the answering machine on in case he calls. I’m going home. I’ll check for messages.”

She nodded, then stood to the side as Bill left his office.

He added, just before he turned the corner and moved towards the exit: “An’ don’t ya’ stay late, either, Tenshi. Get home. That filing can wait ‘til tamarrow.”

“Yes, sir. Goodnight, sir.”

Tenshi didn’t leave. She spent the next hour carefully putting away the files she had. She had to wait, anyway.

They always made her wait.

He always made her wait.

As she closed another drawer, her thoughts spun around the situation she found herself in. If it wasn’t for the debt her family owed, she would never be doing what they asked her to do. Bill was an honourable man. So was his son. But that didn’t seem to matter to them.

Nothing she honoured mattered to them.

The shadow that blocked out the light from the office startled her and she turned to find … him … again. It was always him: a dishonourable man with dishonourable intent living a dishonourable life. The colour of his skin reminded her of the legends her family told of those taken by dark spirits to do their bidding.

Again, she wondered what could have tempted him to be … this.

“Have you news?”

“His son is missing; I do not know where. He left after the police came to see his father. He spoke with one of the detectives, a woman; I do not know what they spoke of.”

The man frowned and then produced a knife from beneath the robes he wore, the silver clashing against the white of his skin and the black of his robes: “Sloppy. You’re supposed to be watching the two of them.”

Her brown eyes narrowed: “I cannot watch them both all the time. I was unfortunate to encounter one of the detectives.”

The knife began to trace a pattern over his palm: “Are they suspicious of you?”

“No! They both left; nothing was said!”

“That had best be true for your own continued existence.”

She said nothing to this. The penalties for failure, she had heard, were as brutal as any nightmare she could imagine and more.

The knife stopped moving, and he looked at her with eyes so black she thought her life was being sucked into them, her breath catching in her throat: “The son is no longer your concern. I will deal with him.”

A coldness creeped up Tenshi’s spine as she asked: “What does that mean, exactly?”

The answer echoed the cold she felt as the black eyes looked clean through her: “His life is inconsequential. But he has value as a pawn in a larger scheme.”

She turned away from him, not wanting to see him any longer: “Please. Do not touch him. He is an innocent in this. Please.”

The smirk was awful, the words full of despair: “Who can stop me—you? You forget your place. We will have to remind you … soon.”

“I know my place. I serve without question.”

He waved the knife at her, the tip flashing in the light: “See that you do. You are still human, but there are suitable dark beings who would dine upon your life, soul, and mind.”

She shivered at the warning, knowing it was not an idle one: “What would you have me do?”

The knife vanished under the robes: “Continue the plan. Other pawns have been ordered to move tomorrow. Have the trap set.”

She did not hesitate: “Of course.” She even bowed to emphasis the point.

He turned away, dismissing her, but, before he vanished into the shadows of the office, he added: “And be sure to be suitably shocked when he is arrested for murder … and the son turns up in the river.”

The office turned quiet once more after he had left, and she was thankful for that. It always seemed like, when he left, any life where he had been was sucked away with him. She dropped into a chair and stared at the stack of folders still to be filed, still waiting to be put into their places.

She shook her head at the realization that she herself was just like one of the files. Put into her place, to be taken out from time to time to be examined and then, eventually, discarded. As she took a deep breath to calm herself, something in the office fell and startled her. Turning to look in that direction, she couldn’t see anything obvious, but, assuming that he had returned, she called out: “Did you forget something?”

The lack of an answer was more than a little concerning. The lights in the office were, for the most part, dimmed or turned out; the only spot of light was around the space where she had been working. A few short strides took her to where the light switches were, but, before she could flip the lights on … she heard a cat meow. Out of the shadows came a small, grey, calico kitten. She adored cats: her parents had several, but, since she left them and arrived in the city, she never had a pet. She knelt down and offered her hands to the kitten, calling out to it in a soft voice: “Come here, sweetheart. I won’t hurt you.”

The kitten crept out into the light and warily considered her. She understood this; she remembered an injured cat her parents had taken in, how it kept its distance from her, from all of them, until it was sure that they weren’t going to hurt it.

“There’s nothing to worry about. The bad man is gone. It’s just me. I promise.”

It took some time, but, eventually, the kitten came close to her before it paused and sniffed at her hands. Tenshi expected the cat to dart off, hiss, or something just from her being in contact with it. Instead, the kitten brushed itself against her hands before slipping underneath them and pushing against her stockings … and it began to purr.

Tenshi recalled that they had forbidden her to have a pet, especially a cat, but her mood was foul over what he had said. She touched the kitten’s back, its tail twining around her fingers as the kitten began to pace back and forth against her. Petting it gently, her thoughts went back over what he had said to her.

The kitten squirmed around a bit and then turned to look at her. Tenshi was struck by just how blue the kitten’s eyes were. She had never seen such blue eyes on a cat, any cat, before. If she didn’t know better, she would think there was intelligence behind those eyes. Gathering the kitten onto her lap, she began to scratch the kitten’s head and started talking to it. She couldn’t tell anyone about all of the things that were happening around her, but she could tell this simple creature. After all, it was a cat, and cats couldn’t tell any secrets. “You know, it’s been a really bad day. It all started when …”

As Tenshi spoke, the kitten looked off into the shadows as her head was being scratched, shaking it on occasion. Tenshi never noticed the flash of purple that appeared in the shadows for an instant, before vanishing once more.

She had a lot to talk about, and the kitten wasn’t planning on going anywhere. Ever.

Aug 10 2014

A Review of A Succubus for Remembrance and Other Tales of Femme Fatales by M.E. Hydra

A Succubus for Remembrance and Other Tales of Femme Fatales by M.E. Hydra

A Succubus for Remembrance and Other Tales of Femme Fatales by M.E. Hydra

It has been far too long that I have not reviewed a collection of stories by one of my favourite authors M.E. Hydra.

I reviewed his first collection called A Succubus for Christmas and Other Tales of Devilish Delights here on the Tale. The second collection called A Succubus for Valentine’s Day and Other Tales of Perilous Pleasures I reviewed here on the Tale as well.  The third collection called A Succubus for Halloween and Other Tales of Terrifying Temptresses, can be found here. And a review of their full length novel, Succubus Summoning 101, is here on the Tale. The fourth, called A Succubus for Freedom and Other Tales of Obscene Orgies can be found here.

It has been too long since I read their work and for that I am sorry as it never should have been this long. Today on the tale I will be reviewing the fifth work by this author A Succubus for Remembrance and Other Tales of Femme Fatales.

This collection tells of:

Think paranormal erotica is only about sparkly vampires and fluffy werewolves? Think again! You’re about to enter the bizarre and twisted universe of M.E. Hydra. His sexy succubi and other assorted femme fatales will give you a wild ride, but be careful they don’t eat you whole in the process.

This, his fifth collection, contains thirteen tales of the darkest erotica. A terrifying succubus wreaks vengeance on a group of former soldiers in “A Succubus for Remembrance”. A man is sent by his therapist to an unusual nudist camp in “Iron Girders and Steel Springs”. Two lovers look to a magical artefact to solve their problems in “The Skinning Knife”. A sinister mobster engages sexy diabolic help to demonstrate “Ways to Break a Good Man, #1” (and no.2 and 3). Bizarre and imaginative sex demons abound in a triptych of tales set in the hell-space universe. Also includes an extra bonus tale, “Nazi vs. Succubus,” for lovers of extreme, no-holds-barred fiction.

Prepare to be surprised, shocked and aroused by these and other tales of fiendish femme fatales. They’ll give you pleasures beyond your wildest dreams, and terrors beyond your darkest nightmares.

Once again, as in previous reviews of this author’s works, I will be reviewing the individual stories and then the work as a whole:

A Succubus for Remembrance – A story of revenge asked for and given. But the truth, even when known, does not set you free from a Succubus. The story is a mix of mystery and detective with a splash of erotica to carry the story along which works very well. The setting, being in the UK, reads very well and the dialog and thoughts of the characters match the setting well, there’s little doubt you are there as the story unfolds. I rather liked the succubus herself in that she isn’t quite the stereotypical evil being, but has shades of grey within her. The ending is a bit of a twist, and it shows that the truth can’t always set you free, but it can haunt you forever. Five out of five pitchforks.

The Skinning Knife – Two lovers find that the old saying of what lies underneath the skin matters the most is so very true. This isn’t quite what you might expect the story to be about at the beginning, considering what hints are given. What follows is a remarkable reflection on some truths in our world that run so very deep and are, truly, so very sad. While there is a tinge of a horror aspect to the story, the real horror is in what the two lovers see in the world around them. The ending was, for me, a truth that really needs to be seen by more. Five out of five pitchforks.

Vernon the Volunteer – The first of three interconnected stories in H-Space by this author where humanity has opened a portal to another world, and the natives aren’t exactly friendly. A new group of soldiers arrives and a volunteer is needed. Vernon does so and meets one of the locals as the rest of the soldiers watch. What Vernon encounters is a succubus, and she “explains” things to them all. As a whole I think this is one of the few H-Space stories that I enjoyed because of the way the story played out, the characters in the story, and how the story closed. I have to admit that the name of the succubus was… odd… to put it mildly, but she was a succubus, there’s no doubt of that in her actions, her use of mind control, and what she does. Five out of five pitchforks.

Trent the Traitor  – The second of three interconnected stories in H-Space by this author. Trent has betrayed his follow soldiers in the hopes of surviving. The succubi have promised him a reward, and he finds out what they mean by that. The story actually lays out quite a lot about the succubi in H-Space which really hasn’t been touched on so far. The question of what they are like when they aren’t around humanity is an interesting thought and that is explored in quite a lot of detail here. The story does dip more into the horror side of things than then erotic, but setting aside the reward that Trent receives and how that happens, I thought it added a lot to this universe as a whole. Four out of five pitchforks.

Hugh the Hero – The last of three interconnected stories in H-Space. Survivors of the succubus attack attempt to flee, but they have a human monster in their midst… and the succubi have plans for them all. In this work there is a human monster that in the end has a measure of justice done. In that comes more of the world that adds a lot to what is going on there that hasn’t been touched on before in this series. A bit more horror than erotic, but an interesting story to consider and think about. Three and a half out of five pitchforks.

Slugjob – A man goes out on a date having a hidden agenda… but then the woman he goes out with has one of her own… And soon he’ll know what that is. A unique story that has a bit of a mind game that plays out between the two characters before the secret is revealed and the horror and erotica falls into place. One of the more unique stories that I have read from this author. Three and a half out of five pitchforks.

Iron Girders and Steel Springs – A man is sent to a rather special out of the way spa for a weekend. Things become a little heated and one woman garners his attention and helps him to discover what he had lost. Overall, this is a lovely sweet story that has just a little tiny bit of horror nipping at the edges of it. The two main characters are the focus of the story and the balance of the characters are just on the edges, giving some flavour to the story. I really liked this story very much in that the main characters just fit together so amazingly well. There are secrets, and that of the male lead character are tragic and that story, along with what happens between the two of them is just wonderful. Five out of five pitchforks.

Ways to Break a Good Man #1  – The first of three stories about a mobster that just happens to have a collection of succubi working for him, an ongoing series from this author that has had some really interesting ideas wrapped up in it. A politician is causing trouble and in order to solve that problem, he’s asked to play a game with one very special and powerful succubus. The story is, for the most part, a very good example of a succubus that plays a game with a mortal that she knows, from the beginning, she will win… it’s just a matter of time and pushing the right buttons to get what she wants. There’s a lot of mind games being played as the story progresses, but with that it’s quite clear that the succubus herself is very powerful and knows all of the ways there are to bend someone to her will. Five out of five pitchforks.

Ways to Break a Good Man #2 – The second of three stories about a mobster that just happens to have a collection of succubi working for him. Another politician is causing problems for another mobster and a succubus takes care of the problem. A bit of an odd story in that the succubus’ appearance is a very unique one. Certainly it is one that I have never seen before and how that is handled in this story works very well overall. Four out of five pitchforks.

Ways to Break a Good Man #3 – The last of three stories about a mobster that just happens to have a collection of succubi working for him, though this story has the appearance of being connected if not actually saying so. An inspector is working late on a case and every so often notices a woman standing across the street waiting for something. By the end of the night it is clear she has been waiting for him. Quite a lot of seduction followed by a touch of succubus mind control that I thought worked really well. There isn’t any horror really in the work, and in that I think it made the story better. Five out of five pitchforks.

Vampiric Boobies – Another in a series of stories about a strip club where things aren’t exactly what they seem to be. A man talks with a stripper and she tells him she has “vampiric boobies”. He soon finds out she wasn’t joking. A unique story, one with a trap that I thought was well created and the character that goes along with them was interesting beyond her appearance. The story has a bit of mind control but there’s a shade more horror than erotica. Four out of five pitchforks.

Street-Walking with a Succubus – A story about a Succubus, a good man, and the bad one that  brings them together. The one single succubus character that this author has created and that I adore most of all is Nicole. And this is a Nicole story that is simply wonderful. She is, and always has been nothing like the stereotypical succubus, not horrific or evil. She has her own ideas about the right thing to do, why she does so, and what that means. The story begins in a way where you think you know the next part of the story, but then it takes a curve for a moment, the true story comes out and it just makes me like Nicole even more. There is a sweetness, a joy in what she does and I think in doing so, in what she gives in the story to someone that really hasn’t seen that in their life. Just wonderful and really it just makes me happy to see her again. I still want a book about Nicole though. I’m still as serious as ever about that. This story just brings that into sharper focus. Five out of five pitchforks.

Nazi vs. Succubus – The horrors of the past are more than they are on the surface. Especially when a succubus is at the core of them. There is a lot of effort put into this story and it really does show. There is a warning before this work and I can see why that warning is there as the story does tend to push things on occasion. But it is written well and in that comes a story that is hard to read at times, but then that is the point i think honestly. It is horrific, there’s no doubt about that and in that I admit it did make me rather uncomfortable in reading the story. Still, the characters are very good, the succubus is truly evil, and what happens in the story is a reflection on some of the darkest times in history. But then considering the title of this story it has to be. Three and a half out of five pitchforks.

I’ve said before that this author writes a long, detailed, character driven story that their talents truly shine. This is true in this collection as well and it’s good to see them remaining strongly tied to their writing, their characters and more. There were quite a number of stories in this collection that I enjoyed and the writing quality of this author stepped up greatly from their previous work. But I still want to see a Nicole novel. Please?

I’ll give this collection four and a half out of five pitchforks.

Another example of an author that knows their craft, knows their characters and remains true to them. A wonderful read and enjoyed as always…



Aug 09 2014

Thoughts about the film Ancient Succubi…

I came across a trailer for a film called Ancient Succubi a while ago and… well, I can’t say that I’m all that thrilled by it from the trailer alone. Mind you, it’s not all that often that I like Succubi films in the first place… Still, I had hopes before I saw the trailer and now? Not so much so…

And if you cannot see the trailer here on the Tale, try this link:

Please note, that the trailer is rather violent in nature…

The plot summary is:

In the heart of desire arrives an ancient torment – the Succubi.

Devouring the soul of man.

A woman finds herself alone with a strange man. No comprehension of what came before or what will happen. An ancient evil takes hold and suddenly life changes. The Succubi are here. Prepare for a mind bending trip into the darkest recesses of your mind; prepare to witness a body taken, a soul eradicated, a human become evil itself. One by one the men will fall victim to the sickest of deaths.

I’ll be very honest and say up front that I am not looking forward to seeing this film for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is the little bits of horror and pain that are so very prevalent in this trailer. I don’t care of that sort of thing as many know and as well I expect more from the Succubi in films than being evil and destructive.

If the film’s trailer is accurate, and yes we all know how likely that might be, then it seems to be one violent action after the next and not a lot else happening for the length of the film. That’s disappointing for a lot of reasons, not the least of them being that there are several Succubi in this film and I would think that at least one of them might be different from the others in some way, shape or form.

It seems like Succubi in films are falling back into being tropes and not much else again, and that will be my biggest disappointment if that turns out to be true. Oh there are hints in the trailer that it could be something more, but after seeing that film summary I’m no longer expecting that…

Still, I will see the film… I might not like it much, but I’ll give it a chance to disappoint me as I always do…



Aug 08 2014

A Review of Her Dreams Come True by Miranda Heart

Her Dreams Come True by Miranda Heart

Her Dreams Come True by Miranda Heart

One thing that I look for in story writing is that the characters have a strong, clear voice. I want to be able to read their words and know who is speaking. It is important that they do not jumble into the same voice throughout the story for that is confusing and bothersome.

The other thing that I find interesting is seeing events take place from two vastly different realities. There is the reality of though that cannot see all around them and then the reality of those that can do so. But sometimes reality bites both sides of the story…

  • Title: Her Dreams Come True
  • Author: Miranda Heart
  • Publishing Date: February 24, 2013
  • Length: 14,000 Words
  • ISBN: 9781937809133
  • This work at

It is the story of:

Shunning all that is holy, Annabelle’s soul now hangs in the balance. A gift from a witch seals her fate and thrusts her into the waiting arms of an incubus. The incubus, not being quite as evil as his Master gives Annabelle a way out. She now has one night to save her family and her soul.

Rediscovering love and finding his soul is the last thing Roshan has on his mind. Out of curiosity he’s worn the gifted necklace for months with no sign of his intended bride. So it was nothing for him to offer shelter during a terrible storm to a beautiful maiden. How surprising that the poor orphaned girl would turn out to be the one that would bring light into his soul. He has only one night to find the love he thought he’d lost all those years ago.

This is the story of Annabelle in truth and all of the other characters revolve around her. She has a destiny she has been told, and a means to know when she discovers it. But her belief wanes and ebbs and in doing so beings are drawn to her. They tempt her, trying to turn her from the promise. Try to make her give up her soul and lose everything.

All of them… Save one that is.

Leonides is an Incubus and his appointed mission is to claim Annabelle’s soul, but he was once human and he remembers his past unlike Baltmar, who commands him or Katarina, the Succubus that took him. In spite of the threat to himself he offers Annabelle answers in dreams that might guide her to her salvation… and more.

There is so much emotion in the thoughts of Annabelle throughout the story. She hurts and doubts, suffers and more. All around her there are those that press upon her, demand from her and she is worn more and more each day. The scenes are difficult to read at times, as she faces so much loss and pain with each passing moment.

Elsewhere in this world, Roshan also has been told a fate, a promise, one that he does not believe but still holds within him. He too has been challenged by the powers around him to fall into despair and loss, to give up what he has.

But one Incubus can make a difference and in doing so, his own world might change as well.

Leonides, Baltmar and Katarina are in truth supporting characters in the story, but their moments are as striking and compelling as that of Annabelle and Roshan. They have their own wants and needs, their own pasts and they deal with their own world’s problems that are falling around them as well. Occasionally kafkaesque, their parallel story with the main one is as gripping and holds its own.

The world created in the story, though only glimpsed at, is a tapestry in which the characters are deeply woven into. This is not pure erotica, not by any means though there are moments of desire and passions shown. It is about the story, about making choices and in the end that makes this a better story.

My only real issue was that at the end of the story there are a few questions left unanswered, events promised and not seen that I would have liked to. The promised futures for all of the characters would have been nice to see if only for a bit more than they are.

Four out of five pitchforks.

Just a lovely, emotional read with characters that I cared about. I just would have liked to see where the repercussions of what happened seemed to be going towards and what they meant…



Aug 07 2014

Succubi Image of the Week 343

I’ve featured an artist from DeviantArt called hooksnfangs several times before here on the Tale in the past. I came across another of their Succubus works and she just made me smile… So she is the Succubi of the Week this time…

Succubus - Bethany by hooksnfangs

Succubus – Bethany by hooksnfangs

You can find the original page with this work here and this artist’s page on DeviantArt can be found here as well…

She looks like a mix of the Warcraft and Castlevania Succubus I think, and to be honest if either of those Succubi looked like her I think it would be a vast improvement. She has the neatest expression of amusement that I have seen in some time as well. Love the outfit, the boots and stockings just look right on her by far. And the tail? That just makes me smile so very much…

I’m a little disappointed in her torn wings, which I never really like on any Succubus really, but overall they do seem to work with her style and appearance. I also like that she as a presence, a personality that seems to be, in a way, temptation.

She is just a cute Succubus with quite a lot of personality and a story that would be interesting to write sometime.. I’ll have to ponder that…



Aug 06 2014

Yet another new low in Devil Costumes…

Ugly CostumeI know that I keep going on about how bad… truly bad… so many costumes are. But for this week we reach a new low in awfulness that I think will be something very hard to surpass…

And I cannot understand why the model is smiling…

This is called simply Devil Costume, and it comes with the usual things, but also one thing that does give me pause. You get the jacket, the skirt, the collar, and the horns of course, but the twist in this costume is that the top coms with a… well… it comes with foam cleavage… The shoes and trident are not included.

It sells for $50 US, but can be found for less.

It’s… well… awful isn’t that strong a word I think really. So much overwhelming tackiness that whomever is wearing this has to be drowning in it.

It’s another example of something I wouldn’t touch with a fifty-foot pitchfork and that’s not an exaggeration really. It looks tacky, ugly, unflattering, not at all sexy in any way, shape or form.

It’s obviously a zero out of five pitchforks costume with no hope whatsoever of making it any better…