The telling of a story matters. Editing out the flaws, making the dialogue sing makes a real difference. Clunky prose leads to taking away heat when it is needed, power when it must be. The point of writing is to express oneself, but if one can’t find the means, then one needs to revise and revise more.
There are times when the power of seduction we have is tempered by the need to survive. It is there, but awaits the key to set it free. Sometimes that key is finding the will to just be and be with.
- Title: Jasmine’s Incubus
- Author: Dixie Richards
- Length: 37 Pages
- ASIN: B01ERWI2ZQ
- Publishing Date: April 24, 2016
- This work at Amazon.com
It is the story of:
A shy but sexy New York journalist discovers her inner sex goddess with some supernatural help from the other side.
Jasmine has a problem. It isn’t her job, which she is succeeding at. It isn’t her friends, who she adores. The problem is a lack of self belief in having the power to seduce, to be the woman she has hidden inside. A chance encounter turns out to be something more and then when the bonds are broken, Jasmine’s inner Domme doesn’t want to hide any more. She wants it all.
The story is, overall, focused on Jasmine rediscovering her own sexual power which she’s hidden away, not having the time, or the self-belief, in acting upon her own needs, wants and desires. From the beginning it’s cleat that she wants to be more sexually active, in control, but she simply doesn’t take the lead, or chance.
The change comes when she encounters a man, several times, in a train and over time her sexual needs grow, her self-doubt weakens and she has her way with him. The erotica is a light bit of a D/s sex play scene which isn’t over done and by the end of it, Jasmine’s changed, but doesn’t quite understand why.
Eventually she learns that the reason comes from her bedding an Incubus, and that is where the story turned to being very interesting for me. The incubus, Lilu, isn’t stereotypical nor is his kind, and I throughly enjoyed the way in which that was explained and what it meant. Lilu doesn’t have any horns, tail or wings, but he’s sexually powerful, and dominant to a point.
But he isn’t so much that he cannot give Jasmine control and that was different than a lot of similar incubus works of late. Both characters are empowers, both have their moments of control, both give to the other’s needs. That is where the real heat in this work comes from. The understanding that it isn’t your own release that matters, it’s both.
Both Jasmine and Lilu are interesting, well fleshed out characters. There’s quite a lot of development for Jasmine and towards the end of the work, there’s a bit for Lilu as well. The ending leaves something unique that I wish the author had played with further, but does not, the story coming to a somewhat abrupt ending, but leaving the door open for something to come further as well.
However, with all that’s good, interesting, and more in this work, the problem is, as happens a lot, editing. There are some really silly mistakes that were not corrected, these cropping up from the first page and then scattered throughout. There are some tense issues, such as “meet” instead of “met”. There are some words that don’t fit, though they seem sound like they do. The dialogue at times is a little clunky, not “sounding” right in tone, almost like someone was reading lines from a play rather than being in a life and living it.
One more editing pass might have helped some. I think it would have. Speaking the dialogue out loud might have shown how odd it was at times. As well, reading the story out loud in its entirety well could have given the author a clue that their pose was slightly stilted and awkward. All of this is a shame because the underlying story has heat, is imaginative, and I think with some improvements to the tone of the storytelling could have been so much more hotter. Heat isn’t everything of course, but making the work sing leads to so much more and it’s there to be found.
Three and a half out of five pitchforks.
The work needs one more editing pass, just to clean things up and to make this work more what it tries to be. The ending leaves something to be desired, the telling of just who Lilu is needs to be deepened. Perhaps it is a question of smoothing out the bumps more than anything else.