A Succubus for Halloween by Zayna Noble
The author Zayna Noble has written a number of works set in a universe where succubi and other myths exist. While I haven’t reviewed their works so far on the Tale, those reviews will be popping up from time to time in the future. However, the author released a work on Smashwords that connects to their succubi story universe and, as the time seems right, I’m going to review that short story today on the Tale.
The character Lala is core to the series, another succubus called Elodie has appeared as well. With this short story set in this author’s universe, a new succubus appears with a delightful story to be told about want, love and desires.
There’s just one problem. The editing.
The work tells of:
In order to get his scrawny, video-game addicted girlfriend to participate in a fun Halloween get-together with his friends, Neil goes to a magic shop to acquire a very special ‘costume’. Bianca doesn’t show any interest in the pendant he presents, instead focusing on her video game where she can live a fantasy life as a gorgeous and powerful demon.
Driven to make both their dreams come true, Neil finally convinces Bianca to try the necklace on. When she does, a drastic transformation turns her from a stick to a gorgeous brunette bombshell! Full breasts, generous hips, toned abs, and long legs, not to mention the demonic horns, wings, and whip-like tail mark Bianca as a succubus! With the body comes the mind and an insatiable hunger for lust and sex.
Worried that he’s lost his girlfriend to demonic possession, he reminds her of her game. She hops back to it but instead of being a passive audience, she brings Neil into her chair. Even though her attention is divided between giving him the lapdance of his life and completing an important boss battle for her guild, she excels in both.
All that’s left is the Halloween get-together. Neil is tense, introducing his new succubus girlfriend to his friends for the first time. Bianca is the first to cave and after all the trick-or-treaters have gone home, she steals her lover away for a passionate session, while his friends are right downstairs!
Neil visits a magic shop where he purchases a gift for his girlfriend. Surprised to see that Bianca loves to play online as a succubus, the gift he was given makes something possible. Bianca is transformed into a succubus, but that’s just the beginning. Not all fun and games are found on computer screens, many come close by.
The work is a sweet romance mixed with a succubus transformation, a bit of succubus seduction and playfulness and that really appealed to me. Two succubi characters that have appeared in prior works by this author, Lala and Elodie appear for but a split second and if you didn’t read the other works by this author it does become a little confusing.
The main characters, Bianca and Neil are wonderful in so many ways. They are cute, in love, and have some delightful quirks that gave both depth and presence. The telling of their relationship, the wish that Neil has, the focus that Bianca has on her online video game, all serve to build their character and I think the author did well with that.
Bianca’s transformation had lovely heat, I liked how that was told and the effects on Bianca when she and Neil became more intimate. The succubus erotica’s heat boiled nicely and it didn’t stray into anything stereotypical or take away from the love between the two main characters. Bianca remains true to herself, regardless of her being a succubus, and I enjoyed that dearly.
The story is lovely, the characters are a joy. Really overall the work is a lovely hot flash which works as a story quite well. But there are problems in all that’s good here. Those problems take away from the heat, from the romance, from the passion and from Bianca’s transformation. The problem comes to something that happens often I regret to say.
The thing I’ve noticed from the author’s writing is that, as a whole, their works need a lot more editing than they have. Here the story becomes a bit muted by spelling mistakes, incorrect word choice and flat at times dialogue. There is heat, the transformation scenes are wonderful, but the editing mistakes and dialogue that just doesn’t “sound” right take away so much from what otherwise is a delightful romantic piece of transformation and succubus erotica.
The work is terribly short, which is a shame, because there’s quite a lot that Bianca and Neil offer as characters. The work skims over details, assuming that the reader has read prior works in the series where Elodie and Lala have appeared. The relationship, the romance, is delightful and both Bianca and Neil develop wonderfully. There’s so much here that’s good, but the editing leaves things lacking and it shouldn’t be.
Three out of five pitchforks.
Again, like many other works by this author, more editing needs to happen. As well, the dialogue could be more passionate, more alive than it is. Also, a bit more time spent in setting up why things happened rather than obliquely suggesting them would be lovely.
And that’s the real shame here. I really like the story as a whole. I loved Bianca’s transformation, her new found needs and desires as a succubus. I liked that she didn’t lose herself becoming a succubus. Most of all, she isn’t evil or stereotypical. All of this is wonderful and I dearly wanted to give this work a higher rating, but I can’t bring myself to do so.
I think the author is creating a wonderful story universe and I do look forward to reading each new tale told. I just honestly wish there was more care taken overall. That alone would make things so much better by far.