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Jul 17 2012

Desires 37

When you see your fate in front of you, and you know that there is but two choices, to accept it, or to not, isn’t that what finally shows you who you are?

________________

Desires – Truths

By MZ and Tera S

Part Twenty-Six

I sat in a heap bawling . . . my pain . . . my guilt not waning any . . . only growing more and more from the memory of his mother’s final moments.

Then she moved closer to him, and placed a hand on his shoulder for a moment.

How can I face her? How can I look into those . . . Oh so wonderful eyes again?

She showed him the collar in her hand and then tossed it away from them both, the buckle clanking against a table as it fell to the carpet.

Seeing the collar reminded him of the pain he’d inflicted upon Tera . . . besides his mother, the only other person to never judge him . . . and he betrayed them both.

I do not deserve the gift Tera is offering me. I don’t deserve forgiveness. Those . . . Oh so wonderful eyes should be given to someone far more deserving then I.

Feeling Tera cradling me with her body from behind made my heart long to hold her close, to never let go, but how could I ever face her again. How could I let my soul feed upon those . . . Oh so wonderful eyes. My eyes burned as I could feel her heart beating against my back . . . pacing out misery . . . pounding out every loving memory of holding Tera close over the past year. Then she sang Oh so softly to me. My heart desperate to believe . . . to accept, but my heart refused to see.. refused to allow myself to see the truth . . . to take what was being offered so freely.

She’s so perfect . . . how can she so easily hold me like nothing ever happened . . . after what I’ve taken from her.

I wept till my tear ducts ran dry, but my sorrow only grew. Finally Tera tried to get me to see . . . to accept

Then she explained in a soft voice filled with love, “To love another you have to love yourself first. To forgive someone else, you have to forgive yourself first. Holding hate and pain and all of the worst of your humanity in your heart will never give you the release that you seek.”

She was right . . . My soul pleaded for release . . . I was convicted . . . but I knew I didn’t deserve her gift . . . I couldn’t see how I could ever forgive myself . . . How could I ever deserve a treasure like her . . . How could I continue to breathe . . . how could I go on?

Before I could tell Tera what I was thinking, she already seemed to be reading my mind.

She smiled and nuzzled against his cheek softly and said, “You have taken the first step to seeing that . . . The rest of the journey isn’t any easier . . . I won’t lie to you my love . . . It’s going to hurt and you will have doubts in your mind . . . But you have to believe that all will be well in the end . . . “

Oh how I want to believe that . . . But for you . . . for those . . . Oh so wonderful eyes . . . I must try . . . if for no other reason then for you.

Coming out of my thoughts, I see the statue of Tera burst into flames. As they raged toward me, I played they would consume me and my shame. Soon I saw I wasn’t getting off that easily. I found myself surrounded completely by flames. As eyes widen, I marveled of being so close to such intense flames without any heat. The eerie silence made time seem to stop. This was it . . . this was the moment Tera said I would have to decide. A black hand holding out the spell sheet from the flames, I wasn’t ready . . . I needed to face myself . . . I needed to face Tera. Painfully I took Tera’s hand in mine and broke her embrace.

Turning carefully to face Tera and her . . . Oh so wonderful eyes, I shook with the fear I experienced as a child in front of my father. Holding Tera’s hands tenderly, I stared immovably at my lap as my voice trembled and cracked.

“Tera . . . I can’t forgive myself. I’m not worthy of such a honor. The things I’ve done are not something that can be forgiven so easily. Yes my father made me feel powerless, but it wasn’t his fault for my poor decisions. I told you my father was my hero and in fact he still is in a way. Even after all the pain his judgment caused me, I still saw him as a powerful, ambitious man. Sure he was a mountain compared to most other men, but that’s not why he was my hero. He showed his love by sacrificing himself for us. Never complaining, never a groan or hesitation, dad threw himself at work. Working 18-22 hour days, seven days a week on end, we almost never saw him for months at a time. His unspoken way was saying, “I love you,” was his car starting up at 3 in the morning and pulling away. I couldn’t see how I could ever measure up to that level of sacrifice… he set the standard so high, so I never tried … so I would never disappoint my hero… and in the end.. I still failed… I still disappointed him.”

I sniffed a few times as I continued, “You remind me of my mother. I already knew everything that you told me, but my mother tried to tell me over and over again… before that night. The night she caught me breaking my promise to her yet again. The night she walked in on me enslaving her best friend’s daughter. The disappointment in her face said it all. I wasn’t able to stop her before she took off in her car, tears clouding her vision. By the time I’d caught up with her, my mother had already lost control of the car and slammed into a telephone pole. Holding her in my arms as she fated away, I lied to her again. Telling her I’d change, that I would become a better man, my mother saw right through me. She knew I was lying, but didn’t say a word.”

I looked up into Tera’s loving gaze and continued after the lump in my throat subsided. “She just looked at me the way you are looking at me right now. Those… Oh so wonderful eyes knew me better than I knew myself. I never realized she’d saw through me till tonight. I wouldn’t let myself see the truth that was staring right at me.”

I don’t deserve her forgiveness. I don’t deserve to ever be happy and fulfilled. I must protect Tera from me . . .

Anger flashing through MZ again against himself, he directed it at Tera… trying to push her away. Dropping her hands, MZ pointed at Tera sternly. “I hate you! I hate you for making me feel powerless again. I hate you for the fact you can forgive me so freely and without strings attach. I hate you because your eyes convince me of the truth. I hate you because your eyes show no contempt… no judgment like I deserve. I hate you for making my life so wonderful the past year. I hate you for the fact you showed me what I was missing. I hate you because I can’t forgive myself and in so doing, I’m betraying you yet again. I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”

MZ’s eyes burned with self loathing as he turned back toward the spell and jerked it free. Looking at the final words of the spell, MZ realized that Tera’s life was still in his hands. He may not care about his own, but could his heart condemn Tera to his fate as well? Fear of what was truly in his heart gripped MZ as he committed the last part of the spell to memory. Turning back to Tera, MZ looked deeply into her eyes in fear and trepidation. This was the moment of truth.

She’s not afraid… Tera accepts her fate as she accepts me. Those… Oh so wonderful eyes encouraging me to trust in her.

I paused just before I was about to recite the spell. I would try one more time… for Tera. My voice growing horse, I stroked Tera’s face with the back of my hand.

“You make me want to be a better man, but I don’t know if I’m capable of doing that for you. Whatever happens next, promise me one thing. Promise you’ll not forgive me till I’ve fully forgiven myself.”

______________________

Isn’t that the hardest thing to do? Forgive?

Tera

2 comments

  1. avatar
    James

    Forgiving one’s self is indeed the hardest thing.

  2. avatar
    TeraS

    It ranks right up there with believing in one’s self…

    Tera

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